No time for sex on the beach!

Went down to have a coffee at the library yesterday and read the daily paper.  You can’t beat the prices since both are free.  On the first page of the local section of the news, I noticed the following headline:  “Nude beach is no party for the DNR:  Arrests for drugs, lewd activity up; woods in surrounding area close.”  Reading further, I was shocked and appalled to find that couples at this beach in Wisconsin were actually taking their clothes off and then going into the woods to have “OMG, Sex.”  One bystander noted “I don’t know what fun they get out of that.”  The woods just north of Mazomanie, Wisconsin “includes a naturally secluded beach that offers spectacular views of the surrounding forests and bluffs.” Evidently, it strikes some folks as a good place to spend an afternoon.

I could not believe what I reading.  What kind of perverts, what kind of weird obscene people, what kind of misanthropes would have sex in such a place?  I had to see this for myself. I grabbed my Bushnell 4000-500x high resolution binoculars and jumped in my car to drive down to Mazomanie.  I yelled to Karen as I left, “be back in a while, I am going to see some perverts.”  It did not take me long to get there. I pulled up quietly behind a rise overlooking the beach where I hoped I would not be noticed.  I slithered up the hill and slowly raised my head.  I spied one nude couple who were talking to each other. They looked promising. I adjusted my Bushnell 4000-500x high resolution binoculars and waited. Sure enough, after about an hour of talking, the couple lay down and started kissing. I was very disappointed since I had hoped for more.  However, I kept my focus on them and sure enough, a short while later; they both got up and headed for the woods. I could not believe it.  They were going to have sex in the woods.  I adjusted my Bushnell 4000-500x high resolution binoculars to the maximum power.  I was flabbergasted. I was appalled! I was insulted! I was speechless! Due to the nature of this blog, I cannot tell you what they were doing but it was sinful.

Can you imagine!  What if a little child walked by and had some binoculars like mine?  What if an elderly couple was taking a walk in the woods and they came upon this fornicating couple?  What If some stargazers with high power telescopes were looking in the wrong direction and they saw this obscene act.  What could such people be thinking?  Where is their sense of propriety?  What did they think God made beds for?  I rushed back home to tell Karen what I had seen.

“Karen, Karen, I yelled as I arrived home. You would not believe it. They were having sex in the woods and they had no clothes on.”  Karen replied “What’s the big deal; people have sex in the movies all the time and what about those sexy X-rated films you like. They show people having sex without clothes on.  Most of TV is about sex these days as well. Why would anyone get upset about someone having sex?”

“Karen, you don’t understand.  Those are actors and actresses.  This was the real thing.  They were really doing it.”  “Come with me I said, and I will show you.”  Karen said, “I have a better idea, why don’t we jump in bed and you can show me there?”  I did not think she was taking me seriously so I told her later and went on to my computer.   I wanted to look up “pornography” and see if anyone had encountered a similar situation to the problem we are having in Mazomanie, Wisconsin. Perhaps, some other community had the same kind of perverts we have in Wisconsin and have found a solution to the problem. 

As I was surfing the web, I found additional information on the Mazomanie nude beach problem.  The DNR has now closed down portions of the beach flanking the road. It has also recruited wardens to hide in the woods and bluffs to observe the beach.  They have set up high powered telescopes in hopes of “curtailing sex in the woods.”  The DNR spokesperson said that with increased surveillance, they would be able to keep people in full view and hopefully decrease incidences of lewd behavior. Several DNR agents had volunteered for the job.  I thought maybe I should call them and see if they needed more help.  I also have several friends who might be interested.  After all, my Bushnell 4000-500x high powered binoculars are state of the art equipment. I could see perverts almost a mile away with them. 

I was interrupted while sending in an application by Karen who noted that supper was ready and that we could watch TV while eating.  I said well “Should we watch old episodes on Hulu of Desperate Housewives and Sex in the City or new episodes of GCB, Smash, Girls, Apartment 23, or Mad Men?”  Karen said “haven’t you had enough sex for one day, how about we watch some old reruns of the Mousketeers.”  I said "that sounds like a great idea. Annette Funicello was really hot in those days.” 

What does it mean to be a hypocrite?  How come we are obsessed with sex but real sex offends so many of us?  What is unnatural about “sex in the woods?”  Do we secretly want to have wild risqué sex but need to keep up appearances of decorum and sanctimonious eschewal of the real thing?  What could the DNR do to better spend our tax money?  Would you like to buy a pair of high powered 4000-500x Bushnell binoculars cheap?